


And Yet, I...

by IvyOverEasy



Series: I'm Incredibly Insecure But I Really Like You So Let's Go Out [1]
Category: Free!
Genre: Being Kicked Out-edness, Can't remember what tags I'm forgetting and I know I'm forgetting some shit, Coming Out, Dysphoria, F/M, Gender Identity Solving, Haru and Makoto are supportive best friends and honestly angels, Homophobia, M/M, MTF Nagisa, Makoto is the best team mom ever fight me, Nagisa is precious please save him, Other, Supportive Older Siblings, Trans! Haru, Trans! Kou, Trans! Nagisa, Transphobia, gender insecurity, transgender character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-11
Updated: 2017-05-11
Packaged: 2018-10-30 15:02:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10879251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvyOverEasy/pseuds/IvyOverEasy
Summary: Nagisa is five years old when he realizes that dressing up like a girl isn't normal.





	And Yet, I...

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [This Is The Best](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2360486) by [choking_on_roses (orphan_account)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/choking_on_roses). 



> Not proof read because it's four in the morning  
> fight me
> 
> Hrrrmmggg the fic this was inspired by isn't even really about trans! Nagisa? (I haven't finished reading the updated chapters yet lmao, I'm on CH9) but it's honestly so great so you should check it out. It was that fic that this idea spawned from, though.

Nagisa is five years old when he realizes that dressing up like a girl isn't normal. 

He's never really had a problem with it before-his sisters would spend hours on him, smothering him in makeup and teaching him how to differentiate between what brands are worth the price and what ones are scams. He knows what colors he looks best in and what cut of dress brings out his neckline, and he's even learning how to tie his hair up on his own while his proud elder siblings watch on. 

It's a harmless game for them. They do it for fun. 

He does it because he's not sure if he's really digging this whole _being a boy_ thing. 

At five years old, his mother scolds his sisters for the first time for dressing him up as a girl, even though the job is messy because they let him try at his own lipstick. 

"He's getting too old for this kind of play." She says, gently wiping his face with a wet rag. "You're going to turn him gay." 

His sisters groan dramatically at the loss of their play thing, but they're over it quickly, each going off to do their own thing and leaving Nagisa alone with his thoughts. His mother tells him to go change back into his normal clothes and she tugs the ties from his hair with a delicacy that doesn't match the icy feeling she leaves in the pit of his stomach, and Nagisa wanders back to his parent's room-he's not old enough to have his own yet, so his belongings reside there. He doesn't change like he's supposed to because, frankly, he doesn't see why he has to. He likes wearing dresses. They make him comfortable and girly and he thinks that other boys should give them a try, too, because they're that great. 

It's not until his father comes upstairs to tell him that dinner is ready and blanches at him that he wills himself out of the bed he's fallen into.

"Son," He says slowly, softly, kneeling to rest a hand on Nagisa's shoulder. "How come you're still wearing that?" 

Nagisa lies. "I forgot to change out of it. I'll do it now." 

His father looks more relieved than Nagisa really thinks is necessary, and Nagisa is baffled by the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. He changes quickly, suddenly feeling sick with himself. 

He can't tell them. He doesn't know why, but they absolutely cannot know. 

He doesn't understand the fear that comes with the very thought of them finding out that everytime they refer to him as a boy after that his stomach twists like he's caught a virus. 

* * *

 

Every session after that day, when his sisters dress him up, he resolutely huffs and whines that he doesn't like it. They eventually stop doing it all together, claiming that his restless wiggling during a session is too much trouble. Nagisa doesn't feel relief, even if his parents do. 

He's nine when he meets Nanase Haruka and Tachibana Makoto, two very friendly kids that go to his local swim club. They're a year above him and Nagisa takes to them almost immediately. 

The first time he watches Haruka swim, he exclaims, "She's so fast!" 

"Hazuki-kun," Makoto calls softly, and Nagisa turns to look at him, confused as to why he's stopped watching his friend race. She's so cool. 

Makoto's big eyes crinkle a little when he smiles. "Haru-chan is a 'he', not a 'she.'" 

Nagisa is confused. "But she's wearing a girl suit? And Coach Goro called her a she." 

"Hazuki-kun," Makoto says patiently, and Nagisa gets the feeling that he's missing something. "Haru-chan isn't a girl, anymore, he's a boy, okay? So we have to call him _he_ , like people call you or me." 

"Oh." Nagisa blinks. He's confused beyond all belief, but all he knows that if this is something that his new friend wants, then he'll support her- _him_. "Okay! So Haru-chan was a girl but now he's a boy? Did a fairy visit him and go poof and-and make him know he was really a boy?" 

Makoto's smile is too wise for his age. He looks out into the water at his friend, fondness unmistakable in his emerald eyes. "Something like that." 

He gets home, and rushes to his room-his _very own_ room-and leaps into bed. His mother will probably scold him for not showering first, but he needs a breather, some time to let things sink in, and the soft embrace of his comforter helps with that. 

Haru-chan was a girl, and now he's a boy. Nagisa doesn't know what sort of magic this is, but he wants to find some and keep it to himself. 

He's too scared to ask Makoto the next day if boys can turn into girls, too. 

* * *

 

When he's twelve and they're thirteen, Makoto tells him that he and Haru are dating. 

Nagisa nearly falls out of his seat and shrieks, " _What_?!" And Makoto hushes him hurriedly, his cheeks a bright red. Haru, sitting beside him, rolls his eyes. 

"It's not really a surprise," He says casually, and Nagisa whirls on him.

"But-But you're both boys!" He cries, and Haru levels him with eyes flatter than roadkill.

Very calmly, he asks, "Is there something wrong with that?" 

Nagisa isn't quite sure how to answer that. His dad says it's wrong-that boys liking other boys is a sin. His mother's never said the same, but he gets the feeling that she doesn't support it, either. 

"I... don't know?" He squeaks, and he hates how unsure he sounds. He should know, he's almost a teenager, for God's sake. He should be able to form his own opinions by now. "I mean... If you and Mako-chan like each other, I don't think it's wrong, but..." 

"But?" Makoto prompts gently. 

Nagisa frowns. "But dad and mom say it's wrong, so it's gotta be, right?" 

Makoto and Haru look at each other before Haru says slowly, "Your parents aren't always right. Some stuff you have to think of on your own." He opens the lid of his bento and slides his chopsticks neatly from the sleeve on the side. He doesn't even look up from his lunch as he says, "If you think that there's nothing wrong with us, then there isn't. If you do, then there is. But it's only that way for you. Other people are bound to think differently from you. Nobody will have the exact same opinion, so come up with your own." 

It takes a sleepless night of fighting back against twelve years of being told that liking other boys is wrong, but next weekend, when he sees them at the swim club, he greets them with a smile that's brighter than it has been all week. 

"I'm okay with it!" He announces happily, and although Makoto looks confused, Haru seems to pick up on it right away. "You know, you two being-being gay, and all that. I support you! Cause you two are my friends, and I want you to be happy!" 

Makoto looks ready to cry, but he smiles a winning smile, and reaches out to hug Nagisa. "Thank you, Nagisa. That means a lot." 

Nagisa giggles. "Mako-chan, you're getting too big to hug me like this! You're gonna crush me!" 

Makoto pulls back with a shrill noise in the back of his throat, alarmed, and Nagisa bursts out in laughter, because nobody will ever be more pure than Tachibana Makoto, so help him. 

Makoto rubs the back of his neck, chuckling softly as he reassures Nagisa, "You'll start to get bigger, too, Nagisa. Guys get a lot taller and stuff when they start to grow up." 

Nagisa frowns, and Haru eyes him, so he turns to look at the blue-eyed swimmer. There's a knowing glint in oceanic depths and Nagisa swallows as he turns back to Makoto with a chipper, "I think I'll enjoy being small while I can!"

He's seen the changes in Makoto-he's starting to grow leg hair and his voice is pitching lower, and he's getting impossibly taller and broader and lankier and towers over Nagisa now. Nagisa doesn't want that to happen to him. He wants to be smooth and high pitched and small forever. He doesn't want to be manly, he doesn't want to smell weird and get big and broad. 

Haru corners him in the locker rooms while Makoto's still in the shower, and it's a surprise, because normally Haru's the last one to leave. His eyes are aglow with a sort of determination that Nagisa rarely sees and he quite literally backs  Nagisa into the locker, leans in close to his face and peers at him. 

Frankly, bluntly, like he always is, he asks, "Are you really a boy?" 

Nagisa blinks in confusion. "I-yes? Of course I am." 

"Do you feel like a boy?" 

"I mean, sometimes, I guess. I'm a boy, afterall, so I don't really take time to feel like one." He laughs nervously, because Haru is onto him and he knows that there's no hope in hiding it. 

Haru's eyes narrow. "I don't think you're a boy." 

Nagisa stares at him. "Haru-chan, I have boy parts. I'm a boy." 

Haru shakes his head, frustrated. "Just because you have boy parts doesn't mean you're a boy." 

"It... It doesn't?" 

Haru looks at him like he's stupid, and then says, "I have girl parts, but am I a girl?" 

"No, you're a boy." It's been that way for as long as he can remember. Why would Haru ask him that? 

"Exactly." Haru studies him, and Nagisa feels like his very being is being picked apart. Again, he says, "I don't think you're a boy." 

It's really not his place to try and decide Nagisa's gender for him, but Haru gets the feeling that if he doesn't do it, it won't ever be solved. Nagisa stares at him in utter bewilderment. 

After a long silence, he questions meekly, "So it's okay to like girly stuff?" 

Haru nods without even thinking to ask what girly stuff is. "You can like girly stuff even if you're a boy. But I don't think that you are. I think you're a girl." 

Nagisa frowns and stares back at Haru. "How come?"

The intensity is gone as soon as it had appeared and Haru leans back, shrugging. "You just seem to like being treated as a girl more than you do as a boy."

Nagisa sits in dumbfounded silence and Haru turns to leave, but a small hand tugging on his jersey sleeve stops him and he looks back at the blonde who's knees are shaking and eyes are beaded with tears as he stares at the ground. One arm is thrown across his chest self conciously, and Haru's heart goes out to him as he recognizes the familiar motion. Hiding budding breasts out of shame-or a flat chest, in this case. 

"Haru-chan," Nagisa's voice is high and nasal and trembling. "I think I might be a girl, Haru-chan..." 

Haru stands in silence for five seconds flat before he turns back to Nagisa and says firmly, "That's perfectly fine." There's a pause, and then he says softly, "You're a cute girl, though, so you should probably put a shirt on before Makoto comes in and jumps you." 

Nagisa's wobbles a laugh. "Mako-chan is too nice for that." 

"He's a pervert. He kissed my forehead." Nagisa balks and Haru wrinkles his nose. "A big pervert. We're too young for kissing but he went on and did it anyways." 

Nagisa recovers from her tears remarkably fast and is still laughing when Makoto comes out of the showers to get dressed, smiling amiably at them. 

"What's so funny?" He asks, smile fond as he regards his giggling friend. 

"Makoto." Haru says, still half holding Nagisa's hand as he turns to face his boyfriend. "Nagisa's a girl." 

Makoto doesn't ask, doesn't pry, smiles warmly at Nagisa and congratulates her.

"I had a feeling," He admits, laughing softly when Nagisa's mouth falls open. "But I'm happy for you. I'll call you a girl, from now on, if that's what you want?" 

Nagisa shuffles shyly. "Could you... could we only do it when we're alone? I don't think that mom or dad will be very happy..." 

Haru understands that more than Makoto does, so he's the one that answers. "Of course. You get to decide if you tell them or not, not us. We won't tell anyone you don't want us to." 

Nagisa's grin this time brings out both of her dimples and Makoto and Haru exchange glances because oh yeah, Nagisa's definitely the type of girl that they're going to have to protect from absolutely everyone and play big brothers until she's old and wrinkly and they're both dead. 

* * *

 

Ryuugazaki Rei finds out her secret after she bullies him into joining the swim team. 

It's not intentional-as far as he was concerned, she was a girl through and through. She wore the female uniform-courtesy of Kou, their manager and coincidentally another trans girl-and always had her hair up in neatly done pigtails, spoke with a cheerful ring and practically radiated cuteness. 

She had been changing back into the male uniform-she always changed into the male uniform and took her pigtails out before she went home, although Rei never knew why or really questioned it, given that she had weirder habits for him to be curious about-and he had walked in on her. They stared at each other for a full ten seconds before he politely excused himself and walked back out into the pool area, unceremoniously _walking_ back into the water and earning an alarmed squawk from Makoto and laughter from Kou. 

It cools him down, at the very least, but his mind and heart are racing and he's not sure if he's breathing when he comes back to the surface. 

Nagisa is a boy. But he calls himself a girl. Rei doesn't understand. 

There's the sound of a door shutting a little too hard and then rushed footsteps and he hears Makoto before he sees him.

"Rei," The gentle captain calls, and Rei looks at him with agonizing slowness. Makoto is smiling like nothing is wrong. "Can I talk to you for a minute? It's nothing bad, I just want to ask something." 

Rei nods dazedly, accepting the hand that pulls him out of the pool. He's so out of it that he doesn't notice Haru's annoyed glare at someone else doing his and Makoto's routine, and he follows a few paces behind Makoto, vaguely nervous and ridiculously confused. 

They wind up sitting on the bench near the locker room entrance and Rei has a feeling that he knows what this is about so he says slowly, "Nagisa-kun... is a boy." 

Makoto hums softly, and Rei has to admit that he's remarkably handsome when the wind comes by and sweeps the hair out of his face. It's no wonder Haru stares so fondly at him sometimes-he's really a sight to behold. 

"No, she's not." He murmurs after a minute, and turns to smile at Rei. "She was born with boy parts, but she's a girl." 

The description triggers something in his memory-an old book, one he happened to pick up when he was thirteen or fourteen and particularly curious if liking the same sex was a normal part of puberty-and his mouth opens and closes several times before he manages, "Nagisa-kun is transgender, Makoto-senpai?" 

Makoto smiles and Rei's just relieved he didn't accidentally mislabel the girl he's come to be rather fond of over the past few months. "Yeah. She is. Haru is, too," He nods in the direction of the pool. "And Kou-chan, too. All three of them changed early on, but it doesn't make them any less." 

"I never would have guessed." Rei admitted, his mind distant and racing all the same. "They all blend so seamlessly with other people, I never would have thought... Haruka-senpai doesn't wear a swim top, though...?" 

Makoto laughs softly. "Haru never gave his breasts a chance to grow. He started working out so early that they just kinda..." 

"I see," Rei says. "So he burned the potential fat off before it had a chance to gather?" 

"Something like that," Makoto says, and he's grinning again. Rei can't help but remark slyly that he never thought Makoto-senpai would let someone see his girlfriend's chest, and, although he's blushing, Makoto reminds him gently, "Haru-chan is my boyfriend, not my girlfriend. If he were still a girl, I might be a little more upset, but... This is what he's comfortable with, so I won't stop him." 

Makoto explains that Nagisa had a mini breakdown in the locker rooms, hence his reason for coming to explain to Rei the situation, and Rei thanks him. Makoto leaves back to ask Haru if they're doing extra laps today or going home and Rei steals away to the locker room, knocking this time before he enters. 

"Nagisa-kun-" He steps in, and then corrects quietly, "Would you prefer I call you Nagisa-chan?" 

Nagisa is still red eyed and sniffling, but she attempts to be cheerful anyways, laughing a choked laugh. "Rei-chan, you're so formal. You can call me Baked Liver and I'd still be okay with it." She's wearing the male uniform and it doesn't sit right on her, doesn't suit the Nagisa-kun he's come to know and like. 

"Nagisa-kun..." He settles on the bench beside her, his posture stiff and rigid in comparison to hers, and Nagisa's head drops onto his shoulder in such a familiar way that he can't help but relax a little. After a long moment of silence, he says simply, "You're you. That's what matters." Because he knows that Nagisa is the type of person to beat herself up over this unless Rei straight up tells her that he honestly doesn't give a damn about what genitalia she has and he won't have that. 

Nagisa's voice breaks when she whispers his name and she turns and buries her face in his shoulder, her body rocking with soft, muffled sobs that Rei doesn't understand, but has a feeling it has to do with the simple notion of not being rejected or shamed. He's always been secure in his gender-but he can see how coming out to someone about being that way would be scary. 

He dares to slide an arm around her and hold her to him in a way that he tells himself is strictly platonic and she welcomes it, curls into his arm and cries a little harder, biting down hard on her jacket sleeve. 

"Rei-chan," She whimpers, her voice broken and raw, vulnerable. "I like you, Rei-chan." 

It's easier to admit it to himself than it is to her, but he likes her, too. 

* * *

 

When Nagisa's parents find out that she's been playing a girl for her entire high school life, they kick her out. 

Her father gives the worst of it. He's screaming and throwing her things out into the street, creating a scene for their neighbours to come and watch as he publicly shames and disowns her for being this way. Nagisa doesn't think that she'll ever forget the dissappointment on his face when he looked her dead in the eye and told her he didn't want her to contact their family anymore, that she was no longer his son. 

Her mother is silent, but she doesn't stop her husband. Her sisters are sympathetic, offering up numbers of friends and support groups that Nagisa can go to-her eldest sister, moving away for university next week, even tells her that she can live with her if she wants-but in the end her feet lead her to the one person she knows will help, somehow, someway. 

Rei answers the door and as soon as he sees Nagisa standing with three garbage bags of clothes and a suitcase that's nearly as big as her, he ushers her inside and doesn't hesitate to pull her into his arms, smoothing her hair down and whispering softly to her.

"It's okay," He cooes when she begins to dissolve in his arms. "Everything is going to be okay. You can stay here as long as you need to." 

Nagisa finds out, when they're both home, that Rei's parents run one of the support groups that Nagisa's sisters had given her the number of. 

They submit the papers to officially take her in a week later. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a really quick write and I left the ending really bad but there's gonna be a continuation of this where ReiGisa actually happens so that's something to look forward to wink wonk


End file.
